I had a crush on that curly haired blond guy, Tucker, on Disney's "Flash Forward" of the mid-90s. I thought he was hilarious, and boy do I love a good laugh! Just found out from my co-writer that he is Ben Foster, one of the dudes from the X-Men movies (angelbaby). Whoopsie. I guess he isn’t so bad now, but I still think it’s funny that I found Tuck attractive. I honestly don’t remember any episodes. I think it was one of those shows I rarely watched; but still had a thang for the main character. Total bonus anytime it was on and I could catch a glimpse of that piece!
Why Prince Eric decides to go for a voiceless redhead is beyond me; Vanessa was way hotter! But let’s not waste time bitching about his relationship decisions. I’m all about the man himself; I went simply gaga for his shiny black hair, perfect smile, and sexy outfit. Aside from his good looks, he has an adorable Old English Sheepdog, Max (my dream dog!). Who could forget the moment when the ship is sinking, and Eric goes back to save Max, who jumps into his waiting arms. He sacrificed himself for his dog. What a gentleman!
As if these traits weren’t enough, Eric has even more laudable qualities; for example, I’ve always had a thing for musicians, and he plays the flute! Also, the party scene on his ship was fucking badass! I would have loved to spend an evening on board! Perhaps an even better night would be spent in his castle- we all know how much Ariel enjoyed it, and she nearly destroyed the experience due to the hijinx of her Jamaican crab buddy. I would never do such a thing! Eric would be all mine. I would have had plenty to say, and sing to him any time (songbird). Really, someone should create a vacation site similar to chateau Prince Eric, where one can be bathed by two nice house servants, fed a delicious crab dinner by a French chef, and awoken the following morning with a carriage ride to a solitary pond for a romantic rowboat interlude with Prince Eric himself. I wouldn’t miss the chance to kiss that hunk! Ariel blew it. Seriously, that would be the best fucking weekend getaway ever. Swoon.
Here’s a video of that romantic moment when Ariel (the fool) fucks it up, backed by the best damn song in the movie “Kiss de Girl.”
I had a major crush on Johnny Kapahala from the 1999 Disney made-for-TV movie, Johnny Tsunami. In this film, we are introduced to Johnny in his childhood home of Hawaii, where he spends his days surfing with his two knucklehead friends and his grandpa, who is a known surf legend. Johnny is suddenly forced to move to Vermont, where he is unable to continue surfing. His dork richer father makes Johnny enroll in a private school, where the majority of the “popular kids” are skiers. He decides to try out the sport (probably to impress that one blonde broad), but fails miserably. He is taken in by local public school snowboarders, and finds that the sport is much easier for him, considering his surfing history. His dad doesn’t like the crowd he runs around with, but Johnny rebels anyways. I really liked the movie as a 13 year-old. I recorded it onto a VHS tape and watched it over and over again. Honestly, I thought that guy was a total babe. I probably wrote him fanmail. He was just so extreme! He saves a damsel in distress, has a great tan, and doesn’t give a fuck! (ie. He gets busted for wearing a Hawaiian shirt with his school uniform; He and Sam [token] sneak on to a plane back to Hawaii when his parents try to move again, etc.). What I will say is that the crush was completely normal because I was close to him in age, and he is an actual real person (although I was attracted to the character he plays, not the actor, Brandon Baker).
This post shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. The double meaning of the word "fox" is pretty straight-forward. This was probably my first real cartoon crush. Disney's Robin Hood (1973), based on the legend, is centered upon the main character, Robin, who is a cartoon fox. Robby is not only a great archer, but a ladykiller and humanitarian. He dates Maid Marian, whom undoubtedly was an idol for any young girl watching the film; certainly, I wished I could spend a day in her shoes, playing badminton and being wooed by that fox. The loot of the rich wasn't the only thing Robin stole; he also stole my three year-old heart. He has a deep British accent, he's witty, and his fox's cunning allows him to slide in and out of tough situations with grace-- and I must say, Robby looks good doing it!
Despite his disadvantaged position in society as an outlaw (and friend of a grenade - Little John - not so little, eh?), Robin manages to win the heart of Marian and female viewers like myself. Below, I have chosen to share a particularly memorable movie moment. It still gets to me!!! So romantic. It's like a wish dream for me.
Panchito Pistoles from Disney's The Three Caballeros, a 1945 slightly propagandist film designed to promote good will between the states and some southern countries nobody cared about back then. Now let me get to my man or cock. Or whatever.
I am just going to say I know how weird this was. Liking a bird. But this was at a REALLY young age. Like 4. Possibly sooner. Better a character designed for children than someone 25 years older? I will justify how I see fit. Now let’s talk about this muy caliente bird, Panchito Pistoles. He was a badass! He had guns, liked to sing and dance, and donned a sweet outfit. As a child I knew nothing about ‘adult’ activities but now that I look back he would probably be a fun date. The one that gets me super drunk off of tequila and I end up in Mexico the mother of 11 little babies that don’t speak English and my passport ‘missing’. Donald Duck was a pussy compared to this cocky rooster. And the Brazilian? Paaaaa-leeeeaaaaaze. I like a wild man. Always have, always will. It probably began with this bandito. I still really like this old school Disney movie by the way.
Please check out his tune below. He was also a musician! The more I think about it the more I believe this bird carved out my type from the time I was a toddler. Ugh.
Please follow the link to behold my main bird in all his glory. And note the Mexican accent.
